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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29746407">Numb in the City</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mbella/pseuds/mbella'>mbella</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lovestruck in the City, Lovestruck in the City (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:01:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,804</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29746407</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mbella/pseuds/mbella</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of the events of the show from Lee Eun-oh's perspective.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Park Jae-Won/Lee Eun-Oh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. How it Began</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She didn’t mean for it all to go so far.</p><p>Yoon Seon-a had come out as a desperate gasp, a hand held out to her drowning self in the form of someone who had no ties, no past, no cheating ex boyfriends telling her she was nothing or jobs explaining that she just would never be good enough. Yoon Seon-a was all that she wasn’t: fearless and joyful and sparkling, the kind of woman you couldn’t take your eyes off of, who didn’t care how she looked or what others thought (why would she? She lived only in the moment, had no ties, not even a cell phone to connect her permanently with anyone else.)</p><p>When Ra-ra had sent her to pick up a friend, Lee Eun-o hadn’t considered who he would be. She hadn’t thought, hadn’t been thinking, about anything past the next five minutes, the next shift, the next afternoon on the beach. So when she saw him, she didn’t think about how flirting leads to other things, how for other people, people who were themselves, hearts got involved. All she thought was how handsome he was with his hair flopping over his forehead, his still-city-formal caution, his tall, lanky frame. And she felt the joy of driving fast (too fast!) on the road, the sun shining, the song playing. </p><p>If she was honest with herself, she knew he was attracted to her from the beginning, but she was burying all caution away, and so she kept flirting, kept making eyes. And she was attracted to him too. That first night when he took her wrist and the fireworks burst above, she felt like a girl in a story, and none of it seemed real at all. The unrealness took down some of the walls around her heart without her even noticing.</p><p>Xxx</p><p>The part of her that had flared to life in Yang-Yang with Park Jae-won felt mostly numb these days. She hardly thought about the ring she wore around her neck still, that she’d strung on a chain on the bus back to Seoul and tucked under her shirt. She worked and she laughed with Rin-i and argued with Kang-geon and she stayed busy, trying to find a foothold for her business, and told herself she’d forgotten about him and the beach and the surfboards. </p><p>She knew, of course, that he hadn’t forgotten about her. Rin-i and Kyun-jeon would mention him, sighing and shaking their heads about his inability to get over that Yang-yang girl. When they would mention that, she would duck her head or change the subject or go to the kitchen to get more beer.</p><p>She agreed to do the documentary and answer the questions. She told herself it was for her marketing company and to get her name out there, but in reality it was an excuse to tell her story and speak about the person who’d been hovering on the tip of her tongue for a year. </p><p>Xxx</p><p>The first time they kissed, she would admit, she started it. His fingers had lingered over her lips, true, when drying her hair and fixing her wounded head (so gently!). But it was she, still full of adrenaline from the sea and the salt and the surfboard, who grabbed his hand that was politely moving away and placed his knuckle between her lips. She was afraid to meet his gaze in that moment (the coward Eun-o taking over), but then she remembered she was someone else and glanced up, telling him with her eyes that yes she wanted it, yes lean down, yes like that. </p><p>His kiss was sweet and immediately intense. She didn’t think her ex had ever kissed like that--and then banished that thought. Yoon Seon-a didn’t have an ex boyfriend who cheated on her. </p><p>She was lost and then they were startled by the clatter of surfboards blown over by the wind. She laughed for joy, for the awkwardness of the moment, and at the cute look of distress on his sun-bronzed face. Jae-won was kneeling before her, looking up at her, and now it was her turn to kneel down and cup his jaw and press her mouth to his.</p><p>Eventually they parted, breathing raggedly. </p><p>He spoke first. “I’m going to go change--do you want to” he swallowed, “come by my camper and eat?”</p><p>She hesitated for a moment--what kind of girl did he think she was!--before remembering that Seon-a didn’t care what others thought, that she did what she wanted, and what she wanted right then was Park Jae-won.</p><p>She changed into her t-shirt and shorts, and then borrowed his denim button-down because it was cold. They walked to his camper, barely speaking, just glancing at one another, and then the awkwardness lifted a bit as they prepared some food (just some ramyeon, because some cliches are true). She laughed for joy--loudly, her Yoon Seon-a laugh-- as he asked her with total seriousness if she was tired of noodles yet (never!). </p><p>And then, as it grew darker, and while they cleaned up, she turned around with a dish in her hand and he was there, hands on her hips, drawing her in as he kissed her so intensely her knees actually began to give way. And then they were on the bed, and he was on top of her, between her legs, fierce and warm and beautiful, and his hand went to the buttons on her shirt, and Lee Eun-o paused, hesitated. </p><p>She might have stopped it all together in that moment if he hadn’t kept her hand in his while asking her “no?”, but that hand felt so safe and she remembered how she was done with cowardly nos, and not doing what she wanted. So she pushed him upright and pulled up his shirt and got to run her hands up the smooth skin of his back while they kissed (she would never get tired of these kisses). And she was even more delighted when he pushed her back down--and then told her he loved her.</p><p>She’d known that she could be liked, but to be loved like that--it was everything she needed. Now, looking back, Lee Eun-o marveled that she didn’t even think about the expectation to say it back, just accepted the love like that, but back in those days she was still a raw, open wound of a person, and the love he spread over her (without expectations, without reservations) was a balm to her broken self.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Guilt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Xxx</p><p>She had seen him a few times. She knew that was a possibility--Seoul, after all, was a big place, but still only one city. She knew she was still a coward because she was afraid to let him see her as she really was, hair neatly trimmed and wearing quiet, calm clothing. She was afraid to see the pain in his eyes and feel the shame wither her heart even further. </p><p>Sometimes she wondered if he remembered the snowy evening, when he’d been drunk out of his mind, half asleep, thinking she was an apparition, and they’d sat, leaning on one another in the restaurant. She didn’t think he could--that’s the only reason she’d let him see her. That and the fact that, for a minute, seeing him in pain, the wall of ice she’d been trying to protect her heart with had cracked. It had hurt so badly that she’d resolved never to see him again, ever, after that night. She didn’t think she could take it--she was too weak.</p><p>It was getting harder, though. It seemed like Rin-i and Kyeong-jun really would bring him to her one day, and sometimes the possibility left her breathless.</p><p>Maybe that was why she got the photographs developed. She took them to the place Jae-won had spoken of, and then, as they were printed, immediately regretted it. Seeing them was like needles through her whole body, as though all of her molecules were reaching out for that past. And then, of course, the developer had to recognize him--just her luck.</p><p>Sitting on her bedroom floor, hands tucked under her knees, she started at the memories scattered around her, watched videos he’d taken (she hadn’t known the camera was there--hard to imagine acting so free now), and did something she hadn’t allowed herself to do for a while--she cried.</p><p>Xxx</p><p>The morning after sleeping with Jae-won, Lee Eun-o woke up in his arms afraid. She was afraid of what it would mean to take it beyond a one night stand, so she distanced herself. She flirted. She smiled. She let someone else teach her to surf, and didn’t let him teach her guitar. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to push him away entirely.</p><p>When she lay down beside him on the beach and he sat there, tight-mouthed, angry, his anger hurt more than she’d thought it could. She had told herself so many times she was unattached and free on the beach that it was a shock to see that she had formed this connection without even noticing. Still, she would have tried to keep shrugging it off, if it weren’t for that hat.</p><p>He was still so angry, but he held the hat over her eyes, keeping the sun off. His kindness, she realized, lay deep in his bones. Love, maybe, she was afraid of, but kindness? It had been so long since someone had been so generous with her. That was why she offered to go back to his camper; that was why she was unwilling to cut things off completely.</p><p>She was filled with a sense of relief, later, when she saw he was giving her another chance, then confusion and frustration as she realized she’d never be able to make it at six as he asked.</p><p>She cooked food and waited tables and rung up customers, images swirling in her head--him holding her surfboard steady, fixing her cut, staring down at her in adoration, holding a hat over her head. </p><p>She couldn’t let him leave. She couldn’t let it end.</p><p>She’d told herself she wouldn’t be afraid or say no--this was the time to be brave. </p><p>When she realized this, it was six-thirty.</p><p>Lee Eun-o thrust her apron at Ra-ra, and ran. She wasn’t a great runner, but she was determined. When she reached the beach and his camper wasn’t there, her heart sank, but she wasn’t giving up. Yoon Seon-a didn’t give up like that. She ran, listening for the sound of the engine, taking a shortcut through the trees, and stopped in the glare of his headlights, unafraid, thinking only how good touching his bare back had felt.</p><p>So when he emerged from the car, she couldn’t say a word (even Yoon Seon-a didn’t share a thought like that), couldn’t express to him why she’d come, but all she could do was her impulse--throw her arms around him and hope it was enough.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Trying to Forget</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Seoul in late November was rainy and cold. Lee Eun-o didn’t always mind the rain though--it reminded her of the fact that she could feel joy, had felt joy. Still, it didn’t stop her from deciding that today was the day she would get rid of another vestige of her past, the surfboard. </p><p>As she was walking down the street though, she felt hesitant. The heavy wooden board in her arms, the rain falling down. . . it was all too familiar. That’s exactly why I need to throw it away, she told herself. It needs to feel unfamiliar now.</p><p>Xxx</p><p>In the morning, they woke late. The bed in the camper was narrow, and so she was pressed between Jae-won and the wall, but still she had slept more deeply than she could remember. She woke up when she felt Jae-won get up, and he brought her tea in bed with a smile and kissed her sleepy forehead.<br/>She felt herself smile, eyes still mostly closed. She couldn’t wait to watch the rain--to fulfill the image she’d had in her mind when she first met him, of watching and hearing it fall on the hillside over the long golden grasses. She shifted to sit up, tea in hand now, and leaned her body against him. He gave her one of those intense looks and wrapped one long arm around her, tucking her body in even closer. </p><p>The contact was electric in a different way than last night had been. She realized that his body--becoming ever more familiar-- was starting to feel like something she needed, that when he’d left her side it had felt horribly empty for a minute. That feeling scared her, so she pushed it away--no fear, Yoon Seon-a, and drank the tea, nuzzling into his side every now and again. When they finished the tea, he cleared the cups, took out a book, and lay down next to her. </p><p>“Let’s wait for it to rain.” He smiled, then kissed her. He started reading (were they really there already? So comfortable around one another?) and she leaned out the window, waiting for the rain. The sky was overcast but decidedly not threatening, and she felt disappointed.</p><p>“Are you sure it’s supposed to rain?” she asked, turning back towards him.</p><p>“Mm, yes, they said so” he said absent-mindedly, catching her back with his arm and pulling her against him. She snuggled in, smiling, feeling him stroke her hair, and remembering him pulling that same hair last night as he moved against her. </p><p>Maybe he was remembering the same thing, because he stopped reading.</p><p>“I can’t focus on the book.”</p><p>Yoon Seon-a was a flirtatious woman sometimes. “I can give you something better to look at. </p><p>He shifted, pulled down the shoulder of her sweater to reveal one of the (fake, temporary) tattoos she’d put on her body. He traced it with his finger, raising goosebumps on her skin. “What does this mean?”</p><p>“It means. . .” what did it mean? That she’d wanted to shed her very skin? That she was putting on a mask, on a costume? That she’d just thought it was pretty and different and not like Lee Eun-o at all, which was the goal? </p><p>“It doesn’t mean anything. I just got it because it was pretty. It means I don’t look for meaning in things anymore.” An empty answer, but an honest one.</p><p>“I like that.” She felt him smile against the top of her head, felt his heart beat under his shirt beneath her cheek.</p><p>“Why?” A part of her still couldn’t believe she was lovable, interesting, likeable. </p><p>“I like everything about you.” </p><p>This was the part Lee Eun-o didn’t like remembering, but she had to remind herself of it, to stay strong and remember that none of it was really real, that he’d loved an imaginary person and not really her. He loved--what was it--her style, her personality? The things that she’d just thrown on like a pair of old sneakers. That was the moment when she realized it really, truly, couldn’t last, that she’d have to end it before he saw the real her, the one without the casual beach hair and shorts and blue drapey blouses. </p><p>Maybe that was why, when it started raining, she ran out of the camper rather than stay nestled in his arms. The rain erased the dread and fear of the future, obliterated the memories of the past, and let her stay right in the moment, dancing with Jae-won, in the present, just the way she liked it. </p><p>They linked arms and ran and danced like children. She jumped on his back--she was laughing so hard it was hard for him to keep his balance. And then--not so much like children now-- they were kissing, kissing again in the rain like an old movie, but in old movies you couldn’t feel someone’s teeth biting your lips, couldn’t enjoy them pushing their hands up under your shirt, couldn’t throw away your inhibitions and run your fingers up their chest and feel their breath hitch against your neck where they were kissing you. </p><p>No, it was better than a movie, Lee Eun-o decided, later, when they had dried off and were drinking coffee under the shelter of the camper, shivering a little from the cold and the adrenaline of dancing in the rain. She needed it to last longer, as long as she could. Yoon Seon-a didn’t make plans, but suddenly she wanted a plan with Park Jae-won.</p><p>“Could you take off another month?” She knew then that he was caught, that he’d do almost anything for her. It was a heady kind of power.</p><p>“Should I?” His eyes met hers, smiling, dancing, their own private world contained in a glance. “If I get fired, I’ll just go work at my old company.”</p><p>That was the first hint that he was rich, that he was so casual with his job. She filed that away in her head too--another reason not to get involved. But that was buried deep when he suggested they get married.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Shattering Glass</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She didn’t know why she could get rid of the surfboard (giving it away to that man had been hard, but she convinced herself it was the right thing to do) but not the ring. Maybe because it was so small. Because it represented something more. Maybe she’d just convinced herself it was a bit of jewelry, a small keepsake from the Yoon Seon-a days when she wore every piece of jewelry she could find. </p><p>Still, the ring hung around her neck, under her shirt, against her still-beating heart.</p><p>Xxx</p><p>She knew he was serious about the marriage, but still she told herself it was fine, she’d said it was for fun. It was fun, fun hearing him sing on the payphone to her like in an old movie, fun getting dressed up (traditional Korean red and blue!) and putting flowers in her hair. They decided to have the wedding on the roof of the camper--it had the best view for the cameras that he was always toting around and playing with.</p><p>She was giddy, giggly, laughing against him as he played the part of shouting the vows and urging her to keep kissing him on the cheek. It had seemed like a game, like a playground wedding in kindergarten. But then he pulled out the rings, with that earnest, wistful look in his eyes, and it was clear it wasn’t a game, and she had nothing in her mind other than to accept and kiss him, kiss him with fervor and honesty and love.</p><p>Even if everything else was a lie, that much was true. </p><p>Xxx </p><p>When she came back to Seoul, she was still figuring out who the new Lee Eun-o (not the old coward, not the free Yoon Seon-a) was. She found out she was fiercely competitive.</p><p>The old game nights with the group (Kyeung-jeon and Kang-geon and Rin-i) took on a more intense cast, but they were an outlet for her. They felt safe and silly and real. </p><p>It was like the glass case around that safe, warm space shattered when Jae-won called Kyeung-jun and said he was coming over. All the secrets that would break out--the shock and horror on his face she imagined--the disgust from her friends--she was too much of a coward. She couldn’t face that moment.</p><p>So she ran out of the apartment, a half-baked excuse in her mouth, only to freeze in his headlights, a deer caught, only this time she wasn’t about to rush into his arms, this time she would run.</p><p>She froze only long enough to see the shock and confusion in his eyes, and then ran, full of shame (still the same cowardly Eun-o, then). </p><p>She hid from him while he called her other name (not her real name, she’d never hear that from his mouth), like a child, like an idiot, hid while her heart felt like it would burst out of her ribs.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Love and Stars</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The night of their wedding, they spread a blanket on the top of the camper and looked up at the stars. It was a clear night, a beautiful one, full of stars, and Lee Eun-o felt like she might just burst at the joy of it all. </p><p>Park Jae-won seemed like he was trying to take it more seriously, this stargazing as a couple, as though he didn’t know that stargazing was really an excuse to be alone together in the dark?</p><p>So it fell to Eun-o to do something about it, since Yoon Seon-a was no coward and did as she felt. So she spoke as lightheartedly as she felt: “Let’s do it on the camper.”</p><p>She felt him hesitate. </p><p>“Here? You want to do it here?” </p><p>“Yes.” She was straightforward, blunt in her desire.</p><p>“No way. Someone could see.”</p><p>He was still a buttoned up city boy, after all. But ineffective against her weapons.</p><p>“Resist if you can!” </p><p>She kissed him, quick, happy kisses all over his face, designed to make him laugh.</p><p>“Refuse. I dare you! Say no.” She’d stop if he said no, but she could feel him laughing, smiling behind her kisses, feel him starting to relent.</p><p>“Fine…” He took her face in hand now, moved her around so that he was on top, giving her those same silly pecks, making her laugh this time. Then he changed his tactic, giving her a long, languid kiss that he knew she loved, as she ran her arms back up and down his back. </p><p>His hand snuck beneath her sweatshirt (it was starting to get cold at nights), gently at first, then harder. She opened her legs, welcoming him to shift between them. It was too chilly, too exposed to take off all their clothes, but that only added to her excitement--and his; she could feel him now, hard against her. His hands moved lower now, beneath her pants and underwear, testing her.</p><p>She moved insistently. “Jae-won, please.”</p><p>He smiled at her, his eyes still intense. “Ah, now the lady says please?” </p><p>Yoon Seon-a wasn’t hesitant about things. Two could play at that game. She pushed his pants and boxers down a bit, feeling for him, wrapping her fingers around him, watching his expression change to match hers. He moaned a little, then grabbed her, lifted her up on his lap, while she pushed at her sweats, and then he was inside her, and she felt so full, so free, his eyes staring at her, then his mouth back on hers, open and warm and full of love and stars and the night air. </p><p>Xxx</p><p>When it came down to it, she thought he’d get over her quickly. </p><p>She thought, when she called him and told him she’d only seen him to steal from him, that she’d taken the cameras, that she’d never see him again, that it would be the end for him, that he could move on and she’d be a memory for him and he’d be a beautiful moment for her and that would be it.</p><p>She couldn’t have predicted how he’d harp, how that call (it was a break-up! She broke up with him!) didn’t seem to make a dent in his love or obsession or whatever it was you’d call it. If she’d known he couldn’t have moved past her, maybe she’d have done it differently. </p><p>But she didn’t. She didn’t think she was worth thinking about or loving that much, and in any case, there was nothing she could do to help him, because Yoon Seon-a wasn’t real, and if he found out who she truly was. . .</p><p>She didn’t want to see his pity or disgust or whatever he would say. And she couldn’t imagine the humiliation and pain of telling him why she’d come to Yang-yang in the first place. So she kept quiet and hoped that his obsessive searching would just fade away, because people got over breakups, didn’t they? And she’d been clear. It was a breakup. </p><p>When she heard that he’d been going to the police station and reporting her as a camera thief, she got nervous, though. Perhaps, she thought, not for the first time, she’d made the biggest mistake of her life. Perhaps she’d gotten in too deep. Perhaps she was an even worse person than she’d ever thought herself to be.</p><p>Xxx</p><p>When he blindfolded her, at first she thought it would be something silly, another beach game. But his voice was so full of excitement, she knew it would be more.</p><p>The two surfboards mystified her because she couldn’t imagine, couldn’t believe, that someone (even him) would go through that much work and effort to give her a gift. When he told her they were for the two of them, that he’d been working on them all that time--Lee Eun-o would have cried. Yoon Seon-a just wrapped her arms around him in joy and kissed him with gratitude. </p><p>They painted them together, replaying their favorite songs over and over again on Bin’s old record player, painting one another as much as they painted the boards. They spread paint and they kissed and they painted their hands and their faces and the colors of the beach at sunset and the date of their first kiss (their day one, a burst of sentimentality). </p><p>When they were done painting (they both had funny mustaches, but the boards were beautiful), they wrapped their arms around one another.</p><p>“Done!” she declared, and then they kissed again, as though it were the first time and not the thousandth. Her hands went into the dry, clean hair at the nape of Jae-won’s neck, and she felt love swell up in her. This moment--if she could just stay here forever, it might be enough. </p><p>“Seon-a”, he whispered.</p><p>“Hmm?”</p><p>“Is it bad. . .” he pulled back his face so he was looking directly down at her, “Is it bad I want to put paint on more of you?”</p><p>She looked at him in confusion, then smiled as understanding dawned. </p><p>He reached over and turned off the recording cameras (he loved those cameras!) and then slowly, delicately, pulled off her clothes, kissing each part of her body as it became revealed (her shoulders, the nape of her neck, her hip).</p><p>“Hey!” She pushed at his head, currently kissing up her side. “I thought you were going to paint me.”</p><p>He smiled up at her in adoration. “This is more fun.”</p><p>It was.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Tenacity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In a panic, she brought the cameras down to the police station. If she returned them, she’d be safe. What had her life come to, that she was actually scared of the police?</p><p>But then she couldn’t go in. Lee Eun-o was a coward, but this was even more cowardly than even she had thought herself capable. </p><p>She walked home, camera bag still in hand, along Cheonggyecheon. She couldn’t walk this way without thinking about the what-ifs--what if she’d met Jae-won here, what if she’d told him, what if. . .</p><p>She never would have. She was too cowardly. At least she’d had it in her to break up with him (even if he didn’t seem to accept it, which was infuriating. When one person doesn’t want part of a relationship, you have to accept it!)</p><p>Then she saw him. Sitting on the third step, in the place they were supposed to meet, over a year later. He looked up. His face froze.</p><p>Did he see me? </p><p>She looked back at him, half to check, half a luxury of looking at him again and seeing him there, warm, breathing, handsome.</p><p>He did see her. He shouted after her (the other name, which was good, because it reminded her of her lie and why she needed to run) and she ran, ran hard, panicked, just needed to get away from him. And then he shouted at the police and fell on top of her and she just wanted to cry.</p><p>It was humiliating, that was what it was, and terrifying, and she didn’t know what to say or do or how to get out of this situation. If she could have imagined the absolute worst way to see Park Jae-won again, this would be it, surprised, no time to prepare, bodily tackled by him (she was aware of his body, that hadn’t gone away), and reported to the police, all at once.</p><p>She could feel herself shutting down further as she was locked into the handcuffs. She was a coward and a liar and now a criminal as well.</p><p>Xxx</p><p>Their days in Yang-yang would go like this:</p><p>They would wake up early, nestled against one another in the camper, and sometimes they would have sex and sometimes they would be too eager to get out on the waves.</p><p>They would surf in the morning, Jae-won teaching Eun-o new skills. He was always steady and she was always laughing. </p><p>They would eat lunch, sometimes something they’d brought, sometimes at Ra-ra’s (if she wasn’t working there for the lunch shift already). </p><p>They would kiss each other behind the kitchen.</p><p>Jae-won would go to work on the surfboards with Bin and Eun-o would work at the restaurant unless they had the afternoon off, in which case they’d hop on bikes or take pictures (she loved really silly ones, he was more serious about his photography, but he was always easily convinced by her) or sometimes end up back in the camper, pulling clothes off, unable to stop touching each other as though losing contact would mean loss of breath.</p><p>Eun-o usually worked at Ra-ra’s in the evenings, which she loved--that was when it was most fun, especially when they’d have parties  or the regulars would drink and sing to old songs. </p><p>There was usually a campfire on the beach in the evenings, and they’d sit around it with the others and drink beer and laugh, and then one of them would make an excuse to leave and then the other, and then they’d meet up further along the beach to walk home, hand in hand, and end the day where they’d begun it.</p><p>Eun-o was cooking one night when Jae-won took the trash out for her after Ra-ra asked, not saying a word, just giving her a smiling look as he disappeared. She felt like she was overflowing in that moment, just full of laughter and love for this man who was so gentle and kind and steady and loved her so much.</p><p>She finished cooking and cleaned up and closed up the restaurant (she loved that feeling, at the end of a night, when she’d finished and felt so satisfied from her day’s work) and looked outside. The others were already gathered around the bonfire, but at that moment all she wanted was Jae-won. She didn’t want to hide it (the others knew they were together, but more than that they’d hidden, being discreet, following society expectations on the outside even as they played married at home), didn’t want to sneak home together.</p><p>So when she signaled to him to leave, and his eyes widened in nervousness, she decided to just say it--Seon-a was impulsive like that.</p><p>“We live together in his camper. We even got married!” She grabbed his hand, feeling how tense he was at this personal aspect of their lives being shown to the shocked group, stuttering his excuses, Bin and Ra-ra’s eyebrows raised, the others exclaiming aloud.</p><p>She pulled him close to her, reassuring him. “So listen up. Park Jae-won’s mine!” He looked down at her, and his face softened--he couldn’t be angry at her, not really, not when she loved him and he loved her so much. How could they not shout it to all the world to hear? </p><p>Xxx</p><p>As she left the station, she would have given anything to escape her own skin. The humiliation of it all--the conversation, seeing his face, his disappointment, his shock at finding out her real name--the whole thing was worse than she could have possibly imagined. She knew she’d only shown him a cold and angry face, impassive at best, and that must have been infuriating--if he’d actually touched her he’d have found she was trembling.</p><p>Still, she had to see him, just to try to wipe off his look of disgust. She couldn’t leave it like ths--she didn’t know why, but she couldn’t.<br/>She ran after his car, calling his name, surprised to find herself in tears--she, who had been so rarely weepy before going to Yang-yang. He stopped, startled, and she felt herself thrown back to the last time she’d run after his car, running into his arms, feeling so full and free.</p><p>She offered him back his cameras when he stopped, on the edge of bursting into full-fledged sobs, and his words to her in return were even sharper and harsher than she’d imagined.</p><p>“Who even are you?”<br/>“I hope we never see each other again.”<br/>“Throw the cameras away.”</p><p>Each word was like a bullet through her, shaking her core. She’d wished so desperately that she could just look back on those days of beach-y bliss in sepia toned memory, and here he was, in front of her, ripping down the dream into the reality of what she’d done. She’d never felt worse. If only she could make him understand how broken she’d been, how broken she still was, how unable she was to give him the thing he deserved, how much she’d loved him (still loved him, maybe).</p><p>But she couldn’t. She could just stand there and sob in guilt and shame as he threw his wedding ring into the stream and stalked off and she knew she’d probably never see him again, but she couldn’t let it end like that.</p><p>So she pulled herself together, because she was nothing if not capable, and got the waders and the head lamp, and waded into the stream, not caring who saw her, in the cold and the wet, and she looked.</p><p>And looked, and looked.</p><p>A wedding ring is small and streams are wide, but she knew more or less where it had to be, and eventually, she found it, feeling triumphant, as though even in the total misery and loss she’d experienced she’d still somehow managed to win something. </p><p>She would wear it on the chain with her own ring, she decided. She could keep the good memories close that way, at least. </p><p>Xxx<br/>When he left, his two months there were almost done anyways, but he left abruptly. She’d been unsure at that point how things would end with him, how she’d tell him that their love was not to be, but him leaving simplified that.</p><p>She didn’t have a phone. He didn’t even know her real name. He wouldn’t be able to find her.</p><p>She thought about the best way to do it--the way to keep her secrets while still telling him they were over, and decided to call him and tell him that she’d stolen the cameras.</p><p>That way, at least, he could hate her, and then get over her, and she could keep the memories and remember them fondly and move on and be strong now, and not a coward.</p><p>She hadn’t figured out yet his connection to her life, how she’d never be able to escape him. She hadn’t figured out how much she loved him, would never be able to stop thinking about him.</p><p>She hadn’t figured out that Park Jae-won was, above all else, unfailingly loyal and blindly loving and wouldn’t give up until she was exhausted and guilty and sick with her secrets.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. The Irony</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the days following the incident at the police station, Lee Eun-oh found herself crying. </p><p>She cried when watching a comedy (Kang-geon gave her a tissue, awkward as always around emotions, and she draped it over her face, hiding from the world.) She cried while jump-roping on the roof. She cried when eating pizza or rice or ramyeon. She couldn’t stop herself.</p><p>When she wasn’t crying, she felt like punching things, so she snapped at anyone who came near, or danced as hard as she could in her room, music blasting like a teenager angry at her parents. It wasn’t like the soft, silly dancing she usually did with her friends, laughing together. It was wild and violent and like the dance she’d once seen the real Yoon Seon-a do, all those months ago.</p><p>She didn’t exactly know why she was reacting this way, nor did she exactly understand why she had to keep coming back to the man with her surfboard and asking for it back. He kept saying no, he was determined to keep it, she’d given it to him, and his frustration and irritation (and tinge of disgust with her) triggered something.</p><p>She had to get it back, needed the confirmation of the realness of their love and the paint and the ocean.</p><p>So before she knew it, she found herself cornering him outside the men’s room like a madwoman, offering to pay, anything for the stupid board. </p><p>Fed up, he asked her why she was doing this.</p><p>She sputtered, accused him of being the weirdo, wanting her anniversary on a surfboard, and then found herself babbling.</p><p>“Why? I don’t know. Do I look like a sane woman? I look crazy, don’t I.” </p><p>She had to show someone what was happening, let them know how her mind kept circling around back to Park Jae-won and how seeing him had broken a dam within her that she had to keep hiding, and it was making her mad. She pulled the rings out from under her sweater and held them up to the irritated employee.</p><p>“See these? These are wedding rings. I’m legally single though. I got married, so I have these. I couldn’t throw mine away, so I kept it like this. But the guy I married threw his into Cheonggyecheon and I fished it out. So now I have both of them. So now that I have the ring--I want the surfboard as well.” He looked uncomfortable, embarrassed, but she needed it back, needed to make him understand how much she needed it, and the words kept coming, whether she wanted to or not.</p><p>“I want to get it back because” and although she hadn’t known the reason before, had just been charging blindly ahead, trying to get the surfboard without really knowing why besides regretting getting rid of it, she suddenly understood there was another reason.</p><p>“Because he barged into my heart, and now he won’t leave. He built a house in there and became the owner. You see, he helped me become the true Lee Eun-oh. Not the foolish Lee Eun-oh or Yoon Seon-a, but the real, true me.” She was welling up now, crying, understanding all that he’d done and he’d meant and she’d thrown away by being a weak, cruel, evil liar. “He’d smile and embrace everything that I did. He helped me be reborn. So how could I forget him?”</p><p>She saw the man’s face soften. “That surfboard is a precious memory for me. He made it for me himself.” </p><p>“Please.”</p><p>She got the surfboard back. She put it back in the closet and covered it up and knew it would probably always stay there, but at least she had that much confirmation of his love, even if she would always hate herself for how she’d treated him.</p><p>Xxx</p><p>After that, she figured the story was over. She’d have to move on past it all, the trauma of her past relationship failing and everything falling out from under her, the shame and guilt of it, the loss of her love and the feeling she’d never truly get her heart back. She continued on autopilot for a while, feeling a little more whole day by day, still hating herself deep down, but trying to be better. Sometimes she’d add a picture, a reminiscence, to that private Instagram she’d made, writing little poems about how the memories of Yang-yang and Jae-won bolstered her up, had remade her anew, but mostly she continued her quiet life.</p><p>It was bitterly cold by then, but they still decided, in the giddy way friends do after a few too many drinks on a games night, that it would be fun to hold a barbecue outside, on the roof. Eun-oh strung up lights and Kang-geon got the meat started, and they of course invited Kyeung-jun and Rin-i, as usual, and she expected the usual silly fun comfort of her friends and her home and good food and some drinking, of course.</p><p>Kang-geon had gone on another of his lavish rants (this about some bottle of liquor he’d bought from Kyeung-jun, which turned out to be worth an absurd amount. The part that brought Eun-oh a pang, though, was when she heard it had been Jae-won’s, that he’d been drinking because of some girl (if the group had known it was her. . . she could only imagine the disgust on their faces.)</p><p>Still, she drank, hoping that was the last mention of the camera thief or Jae-won for now, or perhaps forever, and maybe it would have been a nice night, but then Kyeung-jun’s phone rang.</p><p>It was him. </p><p>Kyeung-jun, that idiot, had invited his cousin, and now he was coming, and she needed just a few minutes, just a moment to get her bearings before her whole world came crashing down, because he’d see her, she knew it, and freak out, and tell everyone who she was and what she’d done, and the only people who she could ever count on would look at her with the same disgust her once-fiance had, and that Jae-won had outside the police station, and they’d give up on her, and she’d be even more worthless and heartbroken than she already was. </p><p>She turned around, afraid to see him, trying to prolong the moment before it all came crashing down around her, hearing him come up and politely greet the others, before Rin-i took her by the shoulders and spun her around and introduced her (with a smile on her face--was Rin-i matchmaking? Oh the irony) and then.</p><p>Park Jae-won stuck out his hand as though he’d never seen her before in his life, and said nice to meet you, and held her hand so tightly (she wanted to escape, but she also wanted to never let go) and told her he’d been curious about her.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. A Quiet Rain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When she woke up, the first thing she noticed was the light.</p><p>It was clean and bright and white, and so unfamiliar. As she opened her eyes, confused, disoriented, head pounding, she saw white walls and white sheets and a sliding door. She sat up suddenly, shocked, uncomfortable. She had no idea where she was, and she felt ill, and she was more than a little scared. </p><p>Lee Eun-oh turned over to the sliding door and moved it over. She saw a minimalist, immaculate room, and cooking in it--</p><p>She knew that back. She knew the back of that head better than anyone, had combed that hair with her fingers, had pressed her face into that back while embracing from behind.</p><p>She was at Park Jae-won’s. </p><p>It was coming back to her now--the awkward, angry conversation on the roof, her struggle to keep her face cold when he confronted her in her kitchen (all her worst nightmares coming true, then), drinking, getting on the bus. . . </p><p>Beyond that was a hazy, rain soaked night, and a figure walking towards her in the darkness . . .</p><p>She had to get out of there. She couldn’t take another conversation like the one the night before, where he had confronted her and she’d stood, numb, like an idiot, unable to form sentences. She was weak and boring and the person she’d loved, the man who had built a home in her heart, he was just confirming every worst instinct she’d ever had about herself, that she was a cruel, fake liar, that every good thing about her that he’d loved had been the parts she’d pretended. </p><p>So like a child, she tried to sneak out, while his back was turned, tried to grab her coat and head out while he was answering the door.</p><p>When he reentered she foolishly hid behind the kitchen island (as if he couldn’t see! Damn his minimalist architect sensibility). Of course he was there within seconds, of course he smugly took her phone. Of course he acted like what was going on was normal instead of the fact that:<br/>He’d shown up at her home and pretended like he hadn’t known her<br/>She’d woken up in his bed.</p><p>He sat down at the table, where there was eggs and bread and orange juice, and simply said “let’s eat. I’m hungry.” </p><p>She sat down. <br/>Everything they did together now--every step of pretending to be normal--was awkward. IT was as though they had done it all in another life, but again they hadn’t--the effect was dizzying. She sat, ducking her head down, avoiding his intense gaze. </p><p>When he showed her the texts from the night before--misspelled past the point of recognition, thankfully--she felt nauseous from something other than  the hangover. Why had she saved his number? Why couldn’t she just forget that at least and save herself this much humiliation? </p><p>He was as cold to her this morning as she’d been  to him last night. It was only fair, she supposed. She’d shown him nothing but her cold face, and that was what she was getting now. Still, it hurt, to see his disgust and indifference. </p><p>All she could do was air her frustration back at him. Why did he keep chasing after her, after all, when it was clear she didn’t want to be found? Why couldn’t he have given up on her? Why couldn’t he have just let it all fade to memory? </p><p>Every word he said to her stung, because she knew it was never her he was searching for. She tried to explain, make that clear, that he hadn’t loved her, that the wonderful woman he’d admired had been this boring, ordinary, mousy Lee Eun-oh before him. </p><p>Maybe this time it would stick. </p><p>She didn’t want to admit to herself that she didn’t want it to.</p><p>Xxx</p><p>Of course, within a few blocks, it was raining. Pouring, even. All she had was her sweater and good wool coat, and she didn’t want to ruin either walking to the bus, so she stood under an overhang, waiting for the rain to pass. It was fitting, somehow. Rain made things clean and new, and so she’d always loved it, but the things she loved didn’t seem to quite know how to love her back.</p><p>She was fighting back tears when his car pulled up, when he stepped out with the umbrella. She swallowed them back, showing him her impassive, calm face again.</p><p>“Just lend me your umbrella.”</p><p>He didn’t take the half-hearted refusal for an answer. “Would you do that for someone you hate? Get in. The bus stop is too far.” He took her arm (over her coat--if her hand had actually touched his she thought she would have wept for certain) and led her into the van--and then didn’t drive.</p><p>He leaned back in his seat, looking up in the skylight, then glanced at her and explained, “I don’t drive in the rain.”</p><p>Figures, she thought to herself. He shook his head from the rain, bringing back another memory as he got back in the car.</p><p>Xxx</p><p>They’d been surfing all day, and her body was sore as she rinsed the saltwater off in the beachside showers. She was tired and ready to go back to the warmth of the camper.</p><p>Jae-won had come up behind her and swiped her towel and held it over her head, teasing, wanting to play, but in that moment all she wanted was dry hair, and it was a frustrating game, anyways, because there was no way for him to win. So when he saw her frustration he stopped--that was the wonderful thing about him, he understood that the game stopped being fun when the other person was unhappy-- and dried her hair, and then she had to dry his too, and he’d shaken his damp locks like this, like a puppy, and then she’d grabbed the towel from around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss.</p><p>Xxx</p><p>She was sitting with him in the van, yes, but she was also back in the camper watching the rain fall, and on the beach watching him shake the water from his hair, and now he’d put on that song so she was in the workshop kissing him, too, and sitting out on the surfboard together looking out on the ocean. . .</p><p>The memories were thick through the air. She knew he was thinking the same thing, especially when he said he was gentle when he fell in love. Of course she knew that. She knew it better than anyone.</p><p>When he asked her how she was when she was in love, she turned away, if only to stop herself from saying, You know. You know how I am. </p><p>When she looked back at him, he was smiling at her faintly. They sat there like that, silently, in the middle of the memories of their love, until the rain stopped and they were back in Seoul, and he started driving.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Unraveling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After he left from the world’s most awkward ramyeon meal (she could just sense Rin-i and Kang-geon’s embarrassment, but she was not going to pretend to be delicate and ladylike or like she even wanted Jae-won there, she was exhausted and crabby and frustrated at the whole world), she tried to get him out of her head.</p><p>She worked, but of course she was working for him now, and his name was on the paper (she traced it with her finger, then stopped herself, embarrassed.)</p><p>She tidied the kitchen, but that meant cleaning up his bowl, and when she remembered not giving him any clams this time (on the beach she’d once given him a bowl that had almost as many clams as there were noodles), she blushed, in anger as well as embarrassment. </p><p>She jumped rope on the roof, hoping elevating her heart rate would do it, but she could feel their rings bouncing against her heart, and all she could see when she closed her eyes was him asking her what she was like when she was in love. </p><p>She wished with all her might it was a year--two years--from now, when the ache of all of this was less, and she was left without this aching, yearning feeling. </p><p>She went down to get her package, because Kang-geon was kind of a jerk sometimes, and then she stopped, because he was there, the idiot, and he’d clearly hit her car and knocked off the side-view mirror. As if ripping a hole in her world and her heart wasn’t enough, now he’d hurt her car! She huffed out with indignation, and when he called and she picked up, she spoke with the confidence that for once, with this one event, she was actually in the right.</p><p>She was upset about her car, yes, but she was surprised by her own reaction, her own anger towards him. How dare he, on top of everything else, knock of her side mirror and claim it was no big deal? As their voices rose (“You should have parked closer to the street!” “This is my house!”) she could feel her frustration with him rise--he was so consistently blind, so incredibly frustrating. </p><p>He wouldn’t stop referencing the past, calling her his ex-wife (as if they were ever really married! They shouted vows at one another on top of a van, for goodness’ sake) one minute and then accusing her of having an ulterior motive (whatever that meant) the next. She felt herself getting heated, losing her cool control that she’d been trying to maintain in front of him. He was so frustrating, the way he got under her skin.</p><p>He was yelling too at that point, more worked up than she’d seen him since the police station. His words were starting to sting, too, and she could feel tears prickling in her eyes.</p><p>“Where is the kind hearted Eun-oh? Forget about Seon-a. Where’s she?”</p><p>She felt herself get even angrier. He didn’t have the right to claim who she was as a person, not when she didn’t even understand it herself. “She’s right here. What are you going to do about it?”</p><p>The fight had devolved into childish name-calling, and she felt good for a moment even, insulting him, distracted from her broken inner self by this rush of self-righteous rage, kicking his car even--</p><p>And then.</p><p>The ring fell out and hit the pavement with a hollow metallic sound and bounced over to his feet.</p><p>She had the worst luck.</p><p>Xxx</p><p>When he’d given her the rings at first, they’d kissed. Then later, lying in bed together, skin pressed against skin, his hand stroking lazily through her hair, she’d made him promise.</p><p>“Don’t take it off. Never ever.”</p><p>“You too.” He leaned down and kissed her.</p><p>Xxx </p><p>The world went silent for a moment, the alley suddenly devoid of their squabble. She felt frozen, horrified, embarrassed. He knelt down--time seemed to stop--and picked it up, and she could see it, the moment on his face when he recognized the ring, she could see his confusion that it was here and not in the water where he’d thrown it.</p><p>Lee Eun-oh suddenly panicked--where was the other ring? The chain around her neck was gone, broken. She shook out her shirt without thinking of what might happen and then--</p><p>The other ring came out too. She rushed to cover it with her shoe. She couldn’t let it go this far--couldn’t let him see that she’d been foolishly holding their rings around her neck for so long. Jae-won came over and asked her to move and then of course she didn’t (stubborn to the bone).</p><p>His arms went around her suddenly, lifting her up, throwing her even more off balance than she’d already been thrown by his sudden presence and hitting her car and the yelling and the rings falling off.</p><p>He had them both in his hands now, the rings, and he was asking, questions she couldn’t answer, that she was afraid and embarrassed to face herself. She tried to walk away, but he grabbed her arm and held her against the car and wouldn’t stop asking.</p><p>“You lied, didn’t you? You said you were over it.” She’d already lied about so much, what was one more? Her mouth felt frozen. The words just weren’t coming.</p><p>“You had your ring all along. Eun-oh, what is going on?”</p><p>“What are your true feelings?” </p><p>She still couldn’t speak. She tried to move away but his arm was there--insistent, and clear, and she felt his questions stabbing through the armor she’d been carefully building up.</p><p>“Can’t you just pretend not to know me?” Her voice held a hint of a sob. She wished she was anywhere but here, that he could pretend it never happened, because then she could pretend too, and it wouldn’t hurt, not like this, showing him her cold face and trying to tamp down her own grief and fear and humiliation.</p><p>“I don’t want my friends to find out.” Even as she said it she knew it sounded weak, childish, a flimsy excuse. That he would tear it down as he’d been tearing down all her defenses. </p><p>He was standing so close now, she could feel the heat from his body, the frustration radiating off him as he dismissed this as a foolish reason to end things.</p><p>She couldn’t stop pleading though. Her heart was pounding through her chest, her chest tight with pain and anxiety. “Please, just can’t you break up with me?”</p><p>His eyes met hers. “Is that really what you want? You don’t. I can tell.” </p><p>She didn’t know what to say, how to react. Her eyes dropped. She knew she had kept the rings, and the surfboard, and, yes, the cameras, without telling herself why. She knew what she had said to the man to get her surfboard back. But still, she knew she couldn’t be with Jae-won, that she had to keep fighting against this, it was too much, too dangerous.</p><p>“Eun-oh.” His voice, saying her name, her real name.</p><p>“Eun-oh-yah.” His arms were on her shoulders, and he shook her a little, and that and the sound of his voice saying her name (why did it sound so perfect) startled her out of her reverie. Their eyes met and she couldn’t tear herself away this time, his face had come so close to hers, his eyes were locking her in place.</p><p>“When you looked for my ring in Cheonggyecheon, what were you thinking? You thought of me.” She only half heard him at this point. All she could see was his eyes, closer than they’d been in a year. She could feel his breath on her face as he kept speaking, his voice quiet but urgent.</p><p>“You still love--”</p><p>Her arms shot up, grabbing his collar like she’d once grabbed a towel around his neck, pulling him down to her, pressing her mouth against his with an urgency she didn’t know she possessed, kissing him with all the strength and pain and anger she’d been feeling mixed together, because of course she loved him, what did he think, how could he believe otherwise.</p><p>It felt strong and beautiful and good, and she could have lived forever in that kiss, but she needed to breathe, and as she pulled back she realized what she’d done.</p><p>She’d just kissed Park Jae-won, a thing she swore not to do. This was a bad idea, it was wrong, it was everything she’d been telling herself she didn’t want for a year--</p><p>As she moved away, shaking her head, too stunned to speak, he grabbed her back, holding her in place against the car, and kissed her, one hand on her hip, one creeping up to hold her face, and she couldn’t stop herself, couldn’t control it, because nothing else existed except him and this kiss and her arms around him, finally touching him again like she’d been aching to do for a year. They kissed and kissed and kissed, lips and teeth and tongue and she could feel him against her, so close, if they’d only been indoors she knew by now her clothes would be off and his would, too.</p><p>This was them, finally, Eun-oh (not Seon-a) and Jae-won, kissing, and even if she knew it couldn’t last, she would just live in this kiss for now.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Candlelight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When she got home, she felt drained. She’d tried to express her thoughts to him, tried to be honest, but he was too worked up to actually listen. She regretted the kiss now, as vital as it had felt in that moment. She was tired, and misunderstood, and felt more than ever like weak old Lee Eun-oh, so she crawled into bed and lay down and hoped sleep would help her forget it all.</p><p>Her phone rang, and, half-asleep, she picked it up, the three hearts on the Caller ID barely registering as she answered. She hung up, unwilling and unable to deal with him yelling more, and then of course he called again, calling her horrible (she knew this, obviously).</p><p>The third time he called she sighed and sat up. Clearly this had to be dealt with, now. She felt calm, safe in her bed, and it was easier, too, not having to look into his frustrated brown eyes. When he picked up, he was worked up and dramatic and she sighed, not knowing how she could get through to him. She wanted to be done. She didn’t have space for this now.</p><p>The air between them as they spoke felt different now. It was clear--clear of any misunderstanding, of any lies. It was just space for talking, and she felt, for the first time, not frozen and meek, or forced to hide, but honest.</p><p>“I don’t regret meeting you,” Lee Eun-oh spoke softly now. She wanted to express to him that she was grateful for the relationship, for the time they’d had together, even if it had ended badly. That she was grateful for him, for his love, at a time when she’d felt anything but lovable, that he’d taught her that she could feel joy in a way she’d never imagined. So she tried to express that to him, her regret and her gratitude, and she felt him listening to her, starting to actually understand.</p><p>“I don’t know who I am though,” she continued. “I don’t know if I’m just Lee Eun-oh pretending to be Yoon Seon-a still, or if I have changed. I need to figure that out first.”</p><p>His voice was calm on the other end though, and she could hear the disappointment in it. “So that’s it then. That’s your top priority.”</p><p>“Yes. I want to find my true self. I don’t want to go back to the old me. Taking care of myself is, for now, more important than love. More important than loving you.”</p><p>He was silent for a while, then she heard a deep breath. “Good night, Lee Eun-oh.”</p><p>“Goodnight, Park Jae-won” she said back quietly, savoring the sound of his name in her mouth, but he had already hung up.</p><p>Xxx</p><p>They met the next morning, but it felt like an epilogue. The ending had already happened on the phone the night before; now was just the formality of fixing her car and giving back the cameras (she made him take them, at least she wouldn't be the camera thief anymore) and getting her suitcase back. The conversation they had felt oddly calm, the calmest she could remember having with him. </p><p>But when it ended, she realized that she was happy about one thing, and wondered at her happiness.</p><p>“I’ll see you at work.”</p><p>Maybe it wasn’t quite the epilogue. Maybe there was a little more left, a few more sightings of him to help finally heal the wound. </p><p>Xxx</p><p>She was trembling when she lit the candle for her friends. It was a familiar ritual that they’d had since they were young, a way to allow for a confession from three people who weren’t always very good at talking about their feelings. This confession, however, felt the biggest.</p><p>She had realized, when sitting on the phone with Jae-won and hearing the clear air between them, how little of that clarity she’d had for so long. The atmosphere between her and everyone close to her had been clouded with her lies, and she didn’t want it to be that way anymore. So she had to come clean to Rin-i and Kang-geon. </p><p>Those two had done everything for her and with her since they were children. She hadn’t realized how deep their friendship had run until she came back from Yang-yang and found the evidence of it--notes on the fridge, a warm clean home, and the willingness to accept her, no questions asked, even though they must have been dying to know. Their unconditional friendship allowed her to ease back into her old life, start her business, try to find the new Eun-oh. </p><p>She had to pay them back now and explain who she really was.</p><p>She had all the details ready to say, the explanations of where she was and why and how long--but all she could find herself saying was: “I stole Park Jae-won’s cameras.”</p><p>The tears started spilling out along with her own self-loathing, as she spoke through her sobs, “I just didn’t want Jae-won to find out how stupid I was, I didn’t want him to see the truth.”</p><p>When they spoke, it wasn’t words of disgust or shame or anger, like she’d been bracing herself for. </p><p>“Why is that your fault?” Kang-geon, ever reasonable, asked. </p><p>“It was Min-su’s fault. And your job, that was the company’s fault, not yours.”</p><p>For some reason, she’d never considered not taking all the blame for her own misfortune. It just made her cry harder.</p><p>“I just didn’t want him to find out. . . all of that. I didn’t want him to know.”</p><p>Rin-i responded, her voice quiet and firm. “Lee Eun-oh, I have something to tell you.”</p><p>Eun-oh looked up, still sobbing, so angry at herself.</p><p>“The old Eun-oh wasn’t stupid.”</p><p>Kang-geon, calmer and quiet, chimed in. “She’s right. You were kind and warmhearted.”</p><p>Rin-i continued. “I liked the old you so much. And I like the new you, too. You laugh when you want, cry when you want, get angry, goof around. The old you, the new you, it’s all just you.” </p><p>Rin-i’s words settled on Eun-oh like a warm blanket. They sunk into her skin, into her heart, and she felt lifted up by them. </p><p>Her friend was crying now, too, and then they were all embracing, her two best friends and her, and for the first time, Lee Eun-oh didn’t feel horrible and she didn’t feel like she had to hide. She just felt love.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Holding On</h2></a>
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    <p>Later that night, when Rin-i was sleeping, Eun-oh saw the suitcase still sitting out, and went to put it back. It felt like the last step in putting away all the chaos that had been her and Park Jae-won. </p><p>When she lifted the suitcase, though, she heard a rattle. What is that? She knew it was empty; it was always empty, when she took late night drunk bus rides. </p><p>She unzipped it hesitantly, and saw the jewelry box. She knew he had left it in there--no one else would have. She picked it up, hesitating from both trepidation and--were those butterflies? </p><p>She opened it, unsure of what she’d find--the rings? Something else? </p><p>It was a necklace, a fine chain strung with a tiny lock charm. What on earth did it mean? Why was he giving her gifts when it had been so clear between them that they were over? Why would he leave her such a necklace? Why a lock? </p><p>She knew she should put it back and forget about it, but she couldn’t stop staring at it.</p><p>Xxx </p><p>She had a meeting at the architecture office a few days later, to talk about her plan for the community center opening. In the back of her mind she hoped she and Jae-won would have a private minute then, to ask about the necklace. She had taken to keeping it in her pocket, touching it like a talisman, a question hanging around her (not unpleasantly, but still urgent). She didn’t wear it, though; she wasn’t sure what that would mean, but she knew it meant more than she wanted it to. </p><p>Gathering herself outside the office, she prepared to tell herself off, to warn herself not to be stupid, but then Rin-i’s voice filled her ears, and she remembered that she had value, had always had value. </p><p>“I was never stupid. I may make a mistake today or botch the party tomorrow, but it’s okay.” She nodded, whispering her affirmation to herself. “I can do it.” </p><p>Feeling a little foolish, but emboldened, she entered the office, and the secretary showed her to a small meeting room. Park Jae-won and Choi Kyung-jun entered a moment later, and she kept her professional mask on as steadily as she could while they watched her presentation and listened to her explain her vision.</p><p>She was proud of this idea, of the casual nature of the party, which she envisioned people wandering through the new, beautiful space, experiencing music and conversation and quiet community together, not formally, but comfortably. She remembered that feeling of safety (the bonfires, the drinks, the casual mingling) on the beach, and she had tried to translate it, city-style, to the event. </p><p>While she spoke, her eyes kept drifting to Jae-won. He seemed so quiet and professional and serious right now, as though her presence were that of a colleague, nothing more. She finished explaining, and sat down, waiting for them to criticize it--it was all a bit unorthodox, after all.;</p><p>But then, they told her that they liked it, and Jae-won talked about how it matched his vision of the zelkova tree. She agreed with him, her eyes on him, but while she spoke, his eyes stayed down, looking at his coffee, and she felt her nerves rise again.</p><p>“This is unique. It’s interesting. I like it.” He looked up at her again, finally meeting her gaze, and she felt his approval, sincere and warm, and remembered that it was true, she wasn’t boring, whatever others might have said. </p><p>He left as casually as he’d come in when a secretary dropped by, again acting as though he knew her as a friend of a friend and nothing more. Was that it? Is he really over it? But what about the necklace? Eun-oh found herself feeling insecure and more confused than ever. And--why am I caring so much? </p><p>When she walked out, she gazed for a moment at his back, willing him to turn around, give her that look, but he stayed focused on his work, and she was forced to leave without an answer. </p><p>xxx</p><p>Over the next few days, as she prepared for the even, Lee Eun-oh’s head felt like it was buzzing. She kept taking the necklace out of her pocket and staring at it, wondering what it meant. Why had he left it in her suitcase? He didn’t even leave a note, or seem to want to talk about it when she’d seen him. Was it an accident? A goodbye present? Something more?</p><p>She was confused, and curious, and frustrated that she still couldn’t get him out of her head. In her pajamas, curled up on her chair, she actually picked up her phone and called him. She didn’t even know what she would say--ask him about the necklace? Offer to give it back? But not to ask, not to have him acknowledge her or explain to her what was going on, that was torture.</p><p>He hung up on her call! She lay back in frustration, sighing, aware of the irony that now it was her chasing him. What she wanted from it she didn’t quite know, but she realized that what she had thought of as an epilogue--giving back one another’s belongings--may have just been a pause in the whole business. </p><p>Xxx</p><p>The day of the event, Eun-oh was at the community center several hours early, just setting up. She felt at ease, confident in the directions she was giving to the rest of the team assigned to organizing all the elements, admiring the beautiful new building. She had decided that she, like Jae-won, would stay in work mode, she would be the consummate professional, and if she kept the necklace in her pocket, well, that was her business.</p><p>She rounded the corner and saw Kyung-jun and Jae-won walking towards her. Eun-oh schooled her face to stay pleasant and open, but kept an eye on Jae-won. His face seemed hopeful when he saw her, then fell (what was he hoping to see?), but she stayed calm, directing her directions to Kyung-jun. “Pick up your walkie-talkie later.”</p><p>Kyung-jun nodded and she and Jae-won politely bowed at one another and she wondered who was going to crack first, and talk about the things they weren’t saying, the unsaid words that were filling their silences. </p><p>Xxx</p><p>The event was underway, as peaceful and engaging as she’d imagined back in her studio, and she was watching now from the control room on the CCTV. The other staff members were pointing out the groups in the different rooms, but her eyes kept being drawn to Jae-won. He seemed restless, walking from room to room, and she had a sudden urge to walk down to him and take his arm and keep walking with him into the evening air.</p><p>Where did that thought come from? Her fingers rubbed the chain of the necklace in her pocket absently. </p><p>She headed downstairs about twenty minutes later to watch the q and a she’d arranged for the two young architects, and heard Kyung-jun introduce Jae-won.</p><p>“.  . . the tenacity of this man who pestered everyone he worked with.” She almost smiled. If that didn’t describe the Jae-won she knew, she didn’t know how else to. </p><p>Jae-won took the mic now, introducing himself as “the man who pesters his coworkers,” making her laugh along with the audience (he was always charming, that much was true). He began speaking, then, so smooth and polite, acknowledging his father, then started speaking in earnest.</p><p>“I have no choice but to be tenacious. That’s why I believe in the phrase ‘sincerity wins’. This can be applied to both construction and relationships. I don’t want to disappoint those who put their trust in me.”</p><p>His words, blandly polite explanations of a hard worker, seemed so much more than that to Eun-oh. She remembered something now--the blue water around them, and her first day on a surfboard, and Jae-won promising to hold her whenever she fell, that she didn’t have to be afraid.</p><p>The memory of that, and the realization of his honesty in that moment--he meant it, truly--took her breath away, but then someone came paged her on the walkie-talkie, and she had to go, and was left with only the memory of him telling her to focus on the waves while he focused on her playing over and over again in her head.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Open Hand</h2></a>
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    <p>At the end of the night, the crowds cleared out. Lee Eun-oh knew she should have felt tired, that she should be exhausted and proud, but she felt instead that every nerve in her body was awake and trembling. She walked up to the roof, to stand in the cold night air and feel it against her flushed face.</p><p>Standing up there, looking down at the lights of the city, she took the necklace out and looked at it again. Maybe the necklace was an offering, more than anything--an offering to be there with her, on her journey. An offering that he’d hold on no matter what, and he wouldn’t let her fall, and that even knowing the truth about her and her past didn’t stop what was between them. She felt, suddenly, that she was strong enough to do the same for him.</p><p>Lee Eun-oh took out her phone and texted him, not hesitating for once. Can we talk? </p><p>She stood up on the roof in the cold then, waiting, organizing her thoughts in her head of what to say. She was unsure if he’d even come up, or even if he’d left, but she thought she might as well stay there, waiting for him in the way he used to wait for her on the stepping stones. </p><p>A few minutes later, she heard him open the door to the roof and walk up behind her. Her heart was racing, her palms clammy. She felt like a teenager about to confess her feelings for the first time. He stood next to her, then looked away (he kept doing that, these days), and she took a deep breath.</p><p>Unsure of how to begin, she held out her hand to him, opening it to show the necklace she was holding. Feeling a little silly, she closed her hand around it again, keeping it safe, and opened her mouth to speak.</p><p>“I. . .” why was she so hesitant? But she’d promised to stop calling herself stupid or foolish, so she just breathed and took her time. “I still don’t know what kind of person I am.” His face was dazzling, blinding, terrifying, so she looked down. “I’m not the Yoon Seon-a you know. Once you find out who I really am, you may regret it. I’m still a coward. I’m clumsy. I’m a mess.”</p><p>She cast her gaze further down, ashamed, then looked up in surprise when she heard him speak.</p><p>“Yes, you’re right.” His eyes were. . . smiling? Amused? “You still don’t know who you are. And you’re timid.” </p><p>She felt awkward with his acknowledgement. What did it mean? Was he rejecting her? Still, she had to finish what she had to say. “I am. But I’m not going to pretend I’m unfeeling and tough anymore. I’m scared and nervous. But I’m going to try to tell you how I really feel.” </p><p>Her heart was beating too fast now, and it was all she could do to get the words out, clumsy and awkward as they were. “I’m not the Lee Eun-oh from before, and I’m not the Yoon Seon-a you knew. There are all these things I need to fix.” She took a breath, willing herself to keep going, and lifted her eyes to his, which were intently fixed on her face. “Are you still okay with that?”</p><p>He was silent for a long moment, breathing deeply and looking around. She suddenly felt fear--was he going to say no? She had known it was possible, probable, even, after everything she’d put him through. She looked down, preparing for his rejection.</p><p>His voice broke through, then. “Those things you want to fix. . . instead of removing them, how about we get to know them together?” </p><p>She couldn’t quite believe what he was saying to her, his tenacious and beautiful acceptance.</p><p>He smiled at her, but she could feel her face still frozen in surprise. “But first--dating. Let’s find out what that means for us first this time.” It was then that it sunk in, that it started to be true for her. She smiled back at him, reveling in the clear and open air between them, in the look in his eyes that she couldn’t get enough of, still feeling in shock.</p><p>She felt his hand take hers, and open her fist, removing the necklace from her grasp. She lifted her hair up, inviting him to clasp it around her neck. It felt a solemn moment, a benediction from him as he clasped it around her. His hands were on her shoulders now, and he looked at her in a way where she understood he was going to kiss her now, finally, and her heart felt like it would fly out of her chest. </p><p>Then his mouth was on hers, in a delicate kiss, so different from the angered frenzy of their kiss in the alley a few weeks earlier. He drew back, resting his head on her shoulder just as he’d leaned into her the first time they kissed, and said in a low voice “Why am I nervous? It’s not as if it’s our first kiss.”</p><p>“Me too. My heart’s about to burst as though it’s our first kiss.” His eyes met hers when she said this, and she knew he understood, that it was their first kiss in a way. Despite all the kisses they’d shared, the love they had, this was the first real kiss, as their real life selves, no secrets between them, no anger, just clarity and openness and a vulnerability that she knew should scare her but made her feel instead as though she just wanted to be next to him forever. </p><p>So when he leaned down to kiss her again, she felt free, knowing he was as scared as she, that she’d shown him her heart and he’d accepted it, and she leaned into him, feeling his hands cupping her face, folding her arms around him on the rooftop, unaware of the cold or the city or anything but his mouth on hers. </p><p>Xxx</p><p>She wasn’t sure how long they stood there, kissing, but he was the first to draw back, pressing his forehead against hers. “We should probably leave, right? They’ll be locking up.” </p><p>She kissed him again, quickly, and responded. “Mmm, yes. Could you give me a ride though? Kyung-jun drove me.”</p><p>He laughed a little in response. “Kyung-jun already asked me, that’s why I stayed behind.” She toyed with the buttons on his coat, then, reveling at being able to touch him so easily. He continued, “My car is parked a little ways away, though, if you don’t mind the walk?</p><p>She nodded, then, and they headed down, leaving the community center. She felt light, giddy, happier than she’d felt in so long. The whole world felt beautiful.</p><p>“It’s our day one, now” Jae-won said. “What should we do?” </p><p>There was only one thing she wanted to hear, at that moment. She wanted to know it was real. “First, say my name?” </p><p>“Your name? Lee Eun-oh-ssi. Eun-o!” She was smiling now, as his voice grew louder, pronouncing her name. It felt like a declaration of truth and love.</p><p>“Eun-o-yah! Lee Eun-oh!” She grabbed him to stop him from yelling--it was late now, no time to be shouting in the quiet neighborhood--and found herself embraced then, wrapped in the tight circle of his arms, then holding hands as they walked down the hill towards his car. </p><p>Snow started falling, then, because the night was already feeling like a fairy tale, so why not add something beautiful like a snowfall? She held out her hands in delight, almost skipping. </p><p>“Does Eun-oh like snow?”</p><p>“Yes, just as much as rain,” she responded, reminding him of the rainstorms they’d sat in together.</p><p>“What else does she like?” His tone was light, delighted with knowing more and more about the real her. </p><p>Her answers were silly, flippant, listing things as they popped into her heads. What did she like? “Sunny days. Hot lattes. Cat’s paws. The smell of lavender. And. . .” Eun-oh felt bold then, and unwilling to subdue her joy and love, so she stopped, looking at Jae-won.</p><p>“And?” he asked, expectant.</p><p>“And. . . Park Jae-won.” Her face crinkled into a smile as he looked down at her, his eyes full of wonder that she was there, and she pulled him towards her, trying to communicate in her embrace all of the love she was feeling, the things they hadn’t discussed yet but would, and then of course they were kissing again, in the lamplight, in the snowy Seoul night, matching breath for breath as though they hadn’t stopped kissing since Yang-yang, and would never stop kissing again.</p>
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